English Training Course - An external request

Subject: New shipping date for P/T-008/05
Dear Simone,

Thanks for your comments of the order below (P/T-008/05). It maybe tight to meet our delivery schedule of April.

As it takes 4 days for sea freight, another 2 days for distribution, also at least a week for customs clearance, so please arranged it earlier your schedule.

In order to meet our sales promotion in April, we need to receive the products in the end of March, so please help us by corresponding with our supply team and check if it is possible to ship the goods around March 16.

Awaiting your favorable reply by today.

Claudia

This is an email from Claudia, who works for a whole sale business to Simone, who works for one of her supplies. Claudia wants to make a request to Simone for an order to be shipped earlier so she can deliver the products to customer on time.

A good request email would usually have four parts:
1. Background: explain the situation behind the email.
2. Request: tell the reader what you want him or her to do.
3. Motivation: explain to the reader why he or she will benefit from the fulfilling the request.
4. Action: remind the reader what action you’d like them to take.

Let’s first check the mechanics.

Thanks for your comments on the order below (P/T-008/05). It may be tight to meet our delivery schedule for April.

As it takes four days for sea freight, another two days for distribution, and at least a week for customs clearance, so please arranged it earlier your schedule.

In order to meet our sales promotion in April, we need to receive the products by the end of March, so please help us by corresponding with our supply team and checking if it is possible to ship the goods around March 16.

Now let’s take look at the style.
If you look into the first paragraph, you see Claudia begin with an introduction statement, reminding Simone which order she wants to discuss. The second sentence is a background sentence:

Thanks for your comments on the order below (P/T-008/05). It may be tight to meet our delivery schedule for April.

So I think we break the introduction sentence out.

Thanks for your comments on the order below (P/T-008/05).

It may be tight to meet our delivery schedule for April.

In the fourth paragraph, we have another sentence about the background. So I will cut these out and move to the second paragraph.

Thanks for your comments on the order below (P/T-008/05).

It may be tight to meet our delivery schedule for April. In order to meet our sales promotion in April, we need to receive the products by the end of March.

As it takes four days for sea freight, another two days for distribution, and at least a week for customs clearance, so please arranged it earlier your schedule.

Please help us by corresponding with our supply team and checking if it is possible to ship the goods around March 16.

Let’s make a few vocabulary changes. I am going to change tight to difficult. Tight is informal. And since we have used the word April in the first sentence, we don’t need to use it again in the second sentence, we can change this to for that month.

It may be difficult to meet our delivery schedule for April. In order to meet our sales target for that month, we need to receive the products by the end of March.

The third paragraph is a request paragraph.
She says so please arrange it earlier in your schedule, it doesn’t give Simone a very clear idea about of Claudia wants her to do. We already know from looking into the fourth paragraph that Claudia wants to the good to be delivered around March 16. So let that information and move to the second paragraph so Simone knows exactly what she need to do.

As it takes four days for sea freight, another two days for distribution, and at least a week for customs clearance, we would like you to ship the goods by March 16.
You should explain to your reader what she will benefit.
So let’s add a motivation paragraph here.


As it takes four days for sea freight, another two days for distribution, and at least a week for customs clearance, we would like you to ship the goods by March 16. An early shipment will allow us to meet customer expectations and generate more sales in future.

The fourth paragraph should be our action paragraph.

Please help us by corresponding with our supply team and checking if it is possible to ship the goods by March 16.

Let’s go back to the beginning and review the tone of the email.
First let’s look at the two sentences what C asked S to do something:
-We would like you to ship the goods by March 16.
-Please help us by corresponding with our supply team and checking if it is possible to ship the goods by March 16.

The first request use indirect form, but the second request may be too direct.
Let’s change it to more polite way:

We would appreciate if you can help us by corresponding with our supply team and checking if it is possible to ship the goods by March 16.

We also need to do something about the closing statement.
It is not a good way to close an email.
Let’s change it to an indirect way:

I look forward to your reply.

Let’s look the update email:

Subject: New shipping date for P/T-008/05
Dear Simone,

Thanks for your comments on the order below (P/T-008/05).

It may be difficult to meet our delivery schedule for April. In order to meet our sales target for that month, we need to receive the products by the end of March.

As it takes four days for sea freight, another two days for distribution, and at least a week for customs clearance, we would like you to ship the goods by March 16.
We would appreciate if you can help us by corresponding with our supply team and checking if it is possible to ship the goods by March 16.

I look forward to your reply.

Regards,

Claudia